So often I wake in the night with a blog on my mind! I try and shut it down until an earthly hour. Sometimes I consider getting up, writing and then returning to my lovely, warm bed. But mostly I ask Jesus to keep it alive until morning and go back to sleep.
What was on my mind at 3.00am on the morning of 20th December? The women and children who have been betrayed by their husbands. You’d think it would be something light, pink and fluffy at this time of year – no such ‘luck’.
Ps. I realise that it is not always the husband that cheats, but for the purpose of this blog, that’s where I’m going and, in the world of ministry it is heavily stacked on males. But if you’re a husband reading this and your wife betrayed you, you can just flip the narrative to fit. And I’m sorry.
“For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife” Genesis 2:24
Dear Bride,
I cannot imagine your pain. I have never been in your position. Sometimes I try and take myself to a place where I wonder how I would feel and what I would do if John ever had sex with another woman. It’s not good thoughts that I have.
I don’t know how your husband proposed to you. We often laugh about our proposal journey because there wasn’t one! I never actually got the question, ‘Will you marry me?’ No sweeping gestures or words inscribed on the beach, no getting down on one knee in a restaurant. We just knew we were going to be married and so we skipped the proposal bit! And that might have been the same for you.
Or was it a romantic destination, a meal, did he do it in front of family and friends, one of our friends did get an inscription on the beach and was taken to the top of a hill to read it! How lovely.
What I do know is, that from that moment, you thought this was it (if you said yes of course) the wedding plans and stress began! Who to invite, where to have the reception, bridesmaids, best man, honeymoon, etc. etc. Life was exciting, you were about to go on an adventure with the man of your dreams. The Wedding was just the beginning; marriage is a whole other thing.
How long were you married before he betrayed you? A year or 2, 10 or more… How did you find out? Did he confess? Or was he caught?
“I promise to love and comfort you, honour and keep you, and forsaking all others, I will be yours alone as long as we both shall live.”
This is what he said to you. Before God.
Dear Groom
Are you in pain for what you’ve done or indeed are doing?
I’m sure and certain that when you proposed to your bride, you had NO intention of committing adultery. So, what happened? How did it begin? Texting? Flirting? Harmless banter? Working in an office alone with her? Giving her a lift in your car? Did she give you the attention your wife didn’t?
It’s probably too late for advice at this point unless you’re considering betraying your wife and children, so if you haven’t gone all the way yet, and happen to be reading this, delete her number. It will not end well.
I wonder, did you think about your wife and children when you took your clothes off in front of another? When you arranged your rendezvous, did she even come into your mind? I wonder what she was doing when you were having sex with another? Making dinner, changing nappies, picking up kids from school, doing the laundry. She was completely oblivious to what you were doing. She may have had suspicions, but you’d have been clever, you may have had another phone. Did you think of her?
“I promise to love and comfort you, honour and keep you, and forsaking all others, I will be yours alone as long as we both shall live.”
This is what you said to her. Before God.
When your wife found out, did she stay with you? She didn’t have to.
- Matthew 5:32 (NIV): “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
If she stayed, how are you treating her? Are you repentant, sorry, are you trying to win her back? Or are you playing the victim? Making excuses…
Let’s clear that up, YOU ARE NOT the victim. You were the one who snuck off to have sex with someone who wasn’t your wife. You were the one who ruined her life and that of your children if you have them.
What about forgiveness?
Thank goodness for God’s mercy! They are new every day. If you’ve repented, you’re forgiven. Hallelujah!
What about consequence?
A very different thing. Maybe you lost your job – in my opinion, if you’re in ministry, so you should. Did you get looked after? If so, did you say thanks for that? Maybe you lost your wife and children – what can I say about that? Except, consequence.
In the movie, ‘love actually’, there is one of the most heart-breaking scenes I think I’ve ever watched about betrayal. Emma Thompson finds a beautiful necklace in her husband’s coat pocket; she is beside herself with delight and can’t wait to open it. When she opens what she believes to be the necklace, she discovers a CD. She hides her pain in front of the kids because that’s what we do, goes into the bedroom and weeps as it dawns on her what’s happened. The necklace is for another.
My 3.00am thoughts…. Why? Not sure, maybe it will stop someone committing adultery? Maybe it’ll make you guys who have done this greatest act of betrayal, look after your wife and children better, give them the best Christmas they have ever had.
Maybe it will make those of us who have never had to go through this agony, grateful for our spouses. Thank you, John, xx
Until next time
D x
debbullock 